31 Flavours Volume 5 - Albatross

by Chris Combs

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released August 31, 2010

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Track Name: Benadere
once upon a good time
in a land not far from here
there was a small boy
by the name of Benadere

He minded his parents
like he knew he should
he saw to his chores and
he saw that they were good

he always believed
what he was told
the wisest of the land
were those who were old

But one day he heard a man
singing to a crowd
the things he said then filled his head
with a brand new sound

So he fished out all his pennies
he kept in a jar
he went to town and bought himself
an electric guitar

he practiced all day
he practiced all night
he played 'til his fingers bled
and he blurred his eyesight

before long he formed a band
and went out on the road
there he found a land of women
always ready to go

life became an insane daydream
he had all he wished
but that was not good enough
there was something that he missed

back at home
he may not have been a hit
but at least people
gave him respect

so he broke away from the group
B-B-B-Benny and the Deers
He returned home expecting love
but all he got were jeers

so he started another group
and renounced his family name
he went on to make a million dollars
whining about his fame
Track Name: The Island
If you are the kind
who needs a plot line
that you can understand

then let me warn you
if you want to
go to The Island

You'll be met with a promising basis
utterly destroyed by product placement

we are to believe
that this society
has been completely destroyed

but all evidence points to corporations
so the 'twist' is no revelation

Oh, The Island, what a pity
you could have been great just like Dark City
but you decided to go for action
to fatten up explosions while letting the plot thin


I walked in with an open mind
Expecting to be pleasantly surprised

But before long
it went all wrong
'let's find any way
to have a car chase'

if you're going to do sci-fi
then you have to ask why
is any of this happening?

and it had better make sense
and not be at the expense
of your paying audience

Oh, The Island, what are you doing?
Ruining the name of my boy Ewan
All right so maybe Lucas beat you
isn't there one thing that those prequels can teach you?


Mr. Bay please
if you can hear me
please answer this:

wouldn't the driver stop
when those train wheels were dropped
from that truck of his?

and why were train wheels even there
when in the future trains float on air?

and the LAPD
responding so quickly
about a murder in another state?

and everything's futuristic save for cars?
and our heroine gets through without any scars?

Oh, The Island, I'm so mad at ya
now I need to rewatch Gattaca
just to wash you from my mind
or maybe I should try some turpentine
or wine with cyanide
perhaps a spike in both my eyes
anything to cauterize
my brain
Track Name: Asshat Of The Week
In New York City
on 42 and 9
There's an intersection
that gives the hardest time

four lanes both ways
and fickle lights
sometimes I wonder
how I cross with my life


Now I'm always careful
looking left and right
up and down and all around
for the changing light

but tonight I witnessed
something I've never seen
traffic more horrific
than in all my frightening dreams

I heard a roaring engine
I looked left to see
a car driving backwards
headed right for me

Congratulations
You're the Asshat of the Week
Congratulations
Asshat of the Week


I stood out of the way
watching in disbelief
Surely Allen Funt is filming
just across the street

But it wasn't funny
and the car kept coming
finally slowed to a stop
and was pulled over by a cop


what you did was stupid
somebody could be hurt
Not to mention you ran a redlight
while driving in reverse

I hope they take your license
and end your stupid streak
and I really hope a bigger asshat
doesn't come around next week

Congratulations
You're the Asshat of the Week
Congratulations
Asshat of the Week
Congratulations
Asshat of the Week
Track Name: Generic Viagra
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Track Name: Why Must A Song Have Words?
Why must a song have words?
Why must a song have words?

Is it a scheme to keep my amplifier volume down?
Why can't I dream without verbs or nouns?
There must be a reason for it

Why must a song have words?
Why must a song have words?

Is it a way for the man to hold me down?
What's he got against instrumental sound?
I'll bet he's got no talent

That's why a song must have words
That's why a song must have words
Track Name: Don't Be A Hipster
You say you've seen it all
nothing out there impresses
everthing you see you reject

It seems to me you're jaded
or possibly inundated
with the belief hipsters are correct

well that's not the case

There's a world laid out there for you
I can't believe how it could bore you
There's so much out there to see

Take a moment and look around you
Everything could possibly astound you
if only you let your mind go free

when the public responds with applause
you denounce it as trash because
you won't let them tell you how to think

don't you see that when they approve of it
and you always choose the opposite
you're letting them control you anyway?

stop being a puppet

doesn't matter what anybody says
you are free to make your own choices
no one can tell you you are wrong

no interest compared or measured
no such thing as a guilty pleasure
if you like it you like it that is all

'Hey, check out my walkman! It only plays cassette tapes. Isn't that cool?'
'Oh, didn't you hear? Ironic use of old technology is out. Everybody's doing it now.'
'Huh, I never thought I'd see the day.'

so throw out all of your hipster playthings
the t-shirts with ironic sayings
and Cuban leaders you've never known

don't fall into their mentality
and their skewed view of reality
you're in your 20s now prove you've grown

get out there and start doing something
forget about public recognition
you only need to please yourself

stop blogging about everything but you
don't you know you sound like a fool
when you copy and paste from somewhere else?

don't be a hipster
don't be a hipster
don't be a hipster
Track Name: Come Back Ginger
I looked up
to see you walking away
I thought
you were going to stay
How am I
supposed to finish my play without you?
without your presence?
without your hair?

I thought you had
the program well in hand
Why did you go?
Was it something I said, oh

Come back, Ginger (Come back, Ginger)
Come back, Ginger (Come back, Ginger)
Come back, Ginger

I hope
I might see you again
Perhaps you'll be
charged with possession
And you'll get
more hours of service
And once again
you can work with us

for a bit
Track Name: We Met Behind Bars
We met behind bars
because she didn't want to drink
and she did not like smoke
she only wanted me

we met behind bars
away from all the noise
she said I was different
than all those rowdy boys

my verbs got tense
when I wanted to say
that I loved her very much
and we should go away

I longed to say she was perfect
had a lovely type of face
wouldn't want to modify her
for that would be misplaced

And she wonders if I am sincere


she asked me if I
really meant the things I said
or were they just clever puns
somewhere that I had read

I told her it was true
that I loved to see her smile
without it I would drown
if I were in the Nile

And she still wonders if I am sincere
Track Name: Delta Blues
Ain't got no crew
To fly me outta here
Ain't got no crew
To fly me outta here
Just need a pilot, then we'll be in the air

Now they can't the plane
it was parked over there
Now they can't the plane
it was parked over there
No other flights are missing, it just isn't fair

Oh Delta Airlines, you disappoint me so
Oh Delta Airlines, you disappoint me so
You're name means change, but you refuse to grow

The flight from this mornin'
hasn't left the ground
The flight from this mornin'
hasn't left the ground
Why can't it be like all the others around?

A storm she's a-brewin'
Can't fly in that, I know
A storm she's a-brewin'
Can't fly in that, I know
But we were supposed to leave 4 hours ago!

Oh Delta Airlines, you disappoint me so
Oh Delta Airlines, you disappoint me so
You're name means change, but you refuse to grow

Now it's finally cancelled
and no flights for days
Now it's finally cancelled
and no flights for days
So I guess I'll home in my airline rage
Track Name: Carrying Out The Research
I live alone
and I have no money
that leads to research
that often turns out funny

When I'm in the kitchen
I will try something new
and every failed attempt
I will pass along to you

Carrying out the research
that you do not care to
Carrying out the research
that you would not dare
Carrying out the research
that you do not care to know


I was out of sauce
for my spaghetti dinner
and I was out
of sugar as well

Thinking that cinnamon
is just as sweet
I quickly concocted
a main course from hell


Carrying out the research
that you do not care to
Carrying out the research
that you would not dare
Carrying out the research
that you do not care to know


Mac and cheese wants to be
combined with milk
but if you are me then that stuff
isn't around

milk is really a solution
of water and fat
but it's just not the same
as juice from a cow

Carrying out the research
that you do not care to
Carrying out the research
that you would not dare
Carrying out the research
that you do not care to know

Every now and then
I'm seduced by a product
that I see
on a grocer's shelf

Black Cherry Vanilla Coke
seemed so appetizing
but now I wish
that I could gut myself


Carrying out the research
that you do not care to
Carrying out the research
that you would not dare
Carrying out the research
that you do not care to know
Track Name: Call Girl On Layaway
I met this girl
She was so fine
I knew right then
I had to make her mine

And so I asked her
I had to know
But as it turns out
she is a pro


Fifteen hundred dollars an hour
not including the tip
After trying to talk her down
we came up with this


For 20 dollars a week
Less than a case of beer
I get to upwrap her
for Christmas next year

If I can make
timely payments
she'll throw in another
15 minutes


I put my call girl on layaway
call girl on layaway
I'll get to have her someday
I put my call girl on layaway


But I can't afford that
on minimum wage
But I really need her
to be my love slave


She says that's okay
she understands
she also has a
3-year payment plan


And apart from cash
She'll also take
Moo Shu from her
favourite Chinese place

So every weekend
I buy her dinner
and get four bucks closer
to being in her


Fifteen hundred dollars an hour
and Chinese food's so cheap
it seems like it will take forever
to take her home with me


I put my call girl on layaway
call girl on layaway
that's 36 months of foreplay
I put my call girl on layaway


75 minutes of ecstasy
gonna fulfill all my fantasies

I'll tie her up and spank her
and put her on her knees
and when I'm finished using her
she'll do the same to me

she'll tell me I'm a bad boy
she'll dress like Donna Reed
she make me wash her dishes
while wearing her panties

she'll cinch a belt around my neck
while swinging from a trapeze
pretty much everything in
Sex Games For Dummies

and if there's time left over
after these depravities
we'll have sex!


Now fourteen hundred
dollars later
I've brought a C note
and I can date her

show up to her place
and open the door
there she is lying
on the floor


She is a victim of poisoning
most likely from all that MSG
Oh I bet she's just pretending
'cause she knows that one of my fantasies


I put my call girl on layaway
call girl on layaway
best investment I ever made
I put my call girl on layaway